I Forgot How To Get Laid

swingers-vaughn

This may be the most disheartening title to any of my pieces of writing, but I’m going to push forward. The aforementioned title is a caked in irony in that I’ve been pretty damn good at getting laid throughout most of my adult life. Being tall, somewhat good looking, and living an adventurous rock n roll lifestyle probably contributed to this state of success, but I think that’s only the tip of the iceberg. The real key to getting your fair share of poontang is being focused on it, and seeking it out. with determination Look at this scene from one of my all time favorite films about picking up women, Roger Dodger, starring Campbell Scott and a young Jesse Eisenberg. Roger explains to his teenage nephew how the first component to meeting women is to be in the air of sex, and to make it part of your being and perception of the world.

The truth is lately I’ve been too preoccupied with the day-to-day rigors of everyday life to be in an air of sex, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  My unintentional abstinence really began in the springtime after a woman I had been seeing for a couple months, whom I was starting to develop feelings for and could see some long term potential, took a trip to Africa and decided not to contact me again. (Very Chappelle-esque move if you ask me) Yes, it was a kind of brutal and it hurt, but I thought I would do what Clint Eastwood would do, and walk that shit off.

Besides, I had to focus on moving, climbing my way out of abject poverty, and galvanizing my willpower and focus to utilize what youth I had left to chase my dreams of living as an artist. And hopefully not a homeless one at that. Getting laid was not on my mind too much because I was on the food/water/shelter/oxygen priority plan. So yeah, stress makes your penis soft.

Part of the reason I had done so well with the ladies previously is because getting with girls was pretty much the most important thing to me outside of music. I would watch Swingers fifty times in a row to learn the art of being a player and devour Neil Strauss’ book, The Game, which is a firsthand account of learning the inner workings of the pickup artist world.  I never even used to watch porn because I always thought, “Why watch porn when I could just go and create the experience?” It was the same reason I always hated strip clubs. Why would you go for a simulated sexual experience would could get the real thing?

So I did. I went for the real thing. Ultimately, it’s probably done me more harm than good because I did substantial cheating on my girlfriend and next one after her from 2005-2009. This all happened on tour, never at home. The nitty gritty isn’t really important, but both times I was exposed by some mysterious internet hacker vigilante. I loved both girls very much and consider it to be the greatest collective mistakes of my life and my biggest character flaw. I’m sure it has something to do with ugly ducking syndrome and not getting girls in high school, or because of mommy issues, maybe low self esteem, or just needing validation, but sex was certainly my favorite drug. I regret it everyday and don’t know if I can ever repair the damage, but it still haunts me as a point of personal weakness.

I actually stopped counting my sexual partners at a certain point. There are tons of guys who are much better at picking up women than me or have slept with more women, but after a certain point it, became a number I wasn’t really proud of, so I didn’t see the point of keeping count anymore. It definitely feels more like a scarlet letter (number) than a badge of honor.

That brings me to now. How did I lose my mojo after being such a swinging cocksmen? I think the answer lies back in that bit about poverty from the beginning of this blog. Part of the reason I haven’t written a long piece for the website in a while is that I’m really on my own for the first time in my adult life. For most of my time in God Forbid, I lived with my grandmother until she passed away in 2011. I paid rent, but the security blanket was always there. Now, I’m doing things at 32, that most people do when their 22. I waffled on whether I should write about this struggle with confronting adulthood at such a late age, but ultimately I think the key to interesting writing is being truthful. Otherwise, this site would just be propaganda to prop up an image of a rock star. I’m not in that game. I’m in the fucking real. I took the blue pill.

I consider myself somewhat of an oddball. A nonconformist. A loner. A contrarian. I also have enough hubris to fancy myself somewhat of an armchair philosopher. So, I find myself awaking from a long childhood malaise, an evolutionary coma to not really understand how I fit into the common man-woman relationship paradigm. I find myself increasingly frustrated with the traditional hierarchy between men and women, and I don’t want to play ball.

In my modest research and experience (http://www.laddertheory.com/, The Mystery Method, The Science of Sex Appeal), I have found men are valued most for money (power & social status) and women are valued for their looks (sex) by potential suitors. This is no revelation, and is obvious to many. I’ve stated this to some of my female friends and more often than not, they will get very defensive, decrying about how independent they are, how they have made more money than some of their boyfriends, and that they aren’t gold diggers, etc. To that point, I say it’s important to implore that an exception to a rule is still an exception. I am making some stark generalizations here. Please check out some of my sources (links above) if you want details and nuance. There are many factors in attraction, but these are the most important.

It’s also important to emphasize that I don’t disparage either sex for these values because it’s built into your biology. You are not in control of said instincts. Men are motivated by sex and the shape of a woman’s body because of the incredibly powerful instinct to procreate and continue their bloodline. Women are drawn to wealth and security (strength) because for most of humankind, a woman was reliant upon a man for her and her offspring’s survival. Again, I’m not exactly breaking ground in terms of information, but it’s important to be stated because many people will repel these points out of ignorance or stubbornness.

With that said, we are evolving as human beings. More has changed about human life in the past 200 years than in the previous 10,000 years, and perhaps things have changed more rapidly in the past 15 years than in the previous 50. Our biology has not caught up to the evolution of modern lifestyle and our need to fit into the shoes of the 21st Century civilized human. Women don’t need men for survival anymore, and can make just as much money as a man, although there is not 100% equality yet. Most family’s are two income homes today where as 50-60 years ago, that would have been the exception to the rule. Men’s role in society is evolving as well. Men are becoming more objectified and sexualized when it comes to advertising, grooming, body sculpting, and becoming more body and image conscious in order to attract a mate.

I see these roles becoming progressively equalized, but there seems to be transactional relationship between men and women that is bothersome to me. For example, if a couple goes on a date, the general expectation that the man pays. As a bartender, when a couple comes in, the man probably pays for the drinks 70-80% of the time. I don’t have a direct problem with this. My biology isn’t immune to the fact that you feel manlier and proud of yourself when you are able to take care of your woman. I would like to do these things, but because of my station in life, it’s not feasible to do at an adequate level.

What does bother me though is when a woman uses her sexuality as a form of currency to be bartered with on the negotiation table. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Why should a man buy the cow, when he can get the milk for free?” The transactional language is built into the vernacular. Even the history of marriage originally began as a business arrangement to transfer wealth and land, and continued as a necessity because of women’s second class status, which is ever present throughout much of the world to this day, especially the third world and the middle east.

I have a direct problem when a woman thinks she is giving me something by hooking up or having sex. (The exception is a blow job though. She is definitely GIVING me a blow job. Thanks by the way. Very nice of you.) In truth a sexual encounter should be an equal exchange. I’m a good looking guy. I do my best to stay in shape and I know what I’m doing between the sheets. If you, as a woman, also enjoys sex, than both parties should benefit equally. If you are using sex to leverage free drinks, food, or even commitment from a man, than that is on you and how you view the world. I understand that sex and female sex is particular is considered a commodity in the world. Otherwise, prostitution and strip joints wouldn’t exist. Sex scandals wouldn’t topple political stars like Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, and Eliot Spitzer. But, I just refuse to allow good looking girls to lord vagina over me, especially when you have nothing else to offer in terms of intelligence, world view, humor, or kindness of heart. When last I checked, there were still 3.5 billion other vaginas on earth, and since there are 4 babies born ever second, I guess someone is tapping that ass.

Pussy

We have to be honest with our willingness to evolve. Women can’t have it both ways, you can’t demand equal pay and than never pay into a partnership. Evolution will solve most of these problems as we advance past our chimp brains into logical Vulcans or asexual grey aliens. But, we’re stuck here in this pimply, hair lipped adolescent awkward phase of humanity.

If I want to get laid, I know I can. Just nod, smile, and don’t say anything stupid. I am just at the point where I can’t tolerate stupid. Even if it’s just for a few hours for a hookup. Hopefully, as I get my shit together, I can enter the real, adult dating world and perhaps look for a legitimate partner. But than I wonder is it better to meet someone when you have nothing who is there for the ascent, or someone who is waiting at the finish line for the winner? That’s a tough question I still haven’t figured out. I’m becoming too empathetic to use women, too depressed to bang chicks I barely like, and slightly unprepared for a worthy match. So I’ll stay in this holding pattern until the next phase. Abstaining from anything gives you a sense of strength even if it was only partially on purpose. I feel the next step will be ultimately more gratifying than what I’ve been avoiding, and I remain a steady optimist about virtually everything. And I’m cool with that.

9 Replies to “I Forgot How To Get Laid”

  1. Wow man, well said, I had no idea someone in a band I admired that’s so badass would have a past like that, I guess we forget to take people out of the spotlight and see them as regular humans. It’s funny because I can totally relate. To the “ugly duckling syndrome” part, I was the same way, I never got many girls, and as a result, tried to compensate by “paying for it” as much as I could, cuz I was always depressed too and thought that was the only way I could get some. It’s been a vicious cycle and it has gotten me some, but it’s kept me out of meaningful relationships, which is what I really want, and it hasn’t been good for me except in a sexual aspect. I know it’s wrong, but I felt left out of the dating and sex world and thought I had to make up for lost time. It’s forced me to look at myself and realize I have to make changes in order to attract women the traditional way. Thank you for putting yourself out there like this, maybe other people will realize their addictions or issues, and as you said, sex in itself isn’t necessarily bad, but if you’re so focused on obtaining it all the time, sometimes it can backfire.

  2. This was a great read man. I can totally agree with many of the points and am also quite displeased and confused most of the time with these awkward sexual and sex-based relationships.

    In my opinion, most people are rather simple and are just acting out (subconsciously) scenarios for attention and power that they didn’t get from childhood. They’re also mostly behaving to fit into the society that is perpetuated in the media and the world surrounding them. People LOVE to feel like they have something that someone else needs. It gives them a (fleeting) purpose and makes them feel like they’re important. The truth with most behaviors like this is that if you’re seeking out scenarios and circumstances where you can be “needed” or desired after you’re literally just playing a game you’ll never win.

    It sounds corny but it’s literally true in every sense. You can seek out love, attention, acceptance and everything else but you’ll never actually find them unless you find them in yourself. Like the great George Carlin said…“trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”. The same goes for everything else we try to justify with other people. “I won’t be important until people see me as important”…false… The second you feel “important” is the second where you will embody that of someone that is “important”. Either way, stating such things always makes me seem like I got my shit together which I most definitely do not. I do know some things about relationships though as I’ve been in a healthy and great friendship/relationship since I was 18 years old.

    You are completely spot on with what you said about finding love when you’re down at your worst. If the relationship begins with you living like a poor man it will be built upon the purest love and solidarity that one can find (unless of course you’re lying and there is dishonesty). Everything in this universe evolves and moves in wave patterns. It will always move up and down and if someone can’t love you at your worst then they never really loved you to being with. They probably just loved parts of you or “ideas” they had of you. Being in a great relationship is “freeing” in the sense that you should be able to be completely honest about everything you’ve ever done and still have it be okay. Once you know everything about the person (even the most terrible parts) you can be free and…that’s what love is to me…anyway… Hopefully I haven’t said too much.

    Thanks for sharing your stories man.

  3. Hey Doc,
    The other day I learned the term “lot lizard” (truck stop prostitute) in a random conversation (my favorite kind) and it got me to thinking why there’s such a stigma and denigration of prostitutes….I mean they are just one side of a transaction, and what they have to offer is obviously in demand and paid for…so why the hostility? Well, pretty sure it’s because female sexuality is aggressively and systematically attacked by western religion (why? PhD thesis and a half wouldn’t begin to cover all the reasons but let’s just say maybe the suppression of the female that is part and parcel of patriarchal religions has a wee bit to do with feeding their wealth and power and no conversation about sex, gender and roles can avoid touching on the sexism and damage caused by religion…go ahead I dare you to try) which is why you and I and the rest of us brainwashed suckers speak in transactional terms, why you worry about the kinds of women who will date you when you’re poor or rich, why your past experience of sex was in terms of women giving you something physical in return for something emotional/financial as opposed to a mutual expression of need and why relationships nowadays are so fucked…because a) evolution is ridiculously slow as you pointed out and our biology resists these imposed morals (meaning what you say about valuing females for their youth and beauty aka fertility is only negative when we give it such value…otherwise it’s just natural) b) while physical evolution is slow, our minds/bodies and behavior are influenced by our awareness and consciousness, ergo we are also radically and quickly changing and the ideas and social norms with which we were raised…as well as our biological drives..are already at odds with new realities and everyone is trying to figure out who they are…and what their value is (is it biological, social, theoretical, etc etc?) and lastly c) because modern life is intentionally structured to be isolating, unhealthy, unnatural and destructive, therefor most outshoots (relationships, family, ecology, economy, society) will be similarly so…at least until we either obliterate ourselves or “evolve” out of our idiocy (i’m betting on the former).
    So since I’m throwing in my two cents…let me finish by saying I think you’re probably in a good place, sounds like you’re trying to work yourself out of the manchild role so many men are burdened with and realize that it’s not women you are at odds with but yourself… since men and women are caught in the same socially constructed ego trap. And once you can see your way out, I hope your hard work is rewarded with an equal partner (or two , or three…life is long) with whom you can fight the good fight for a happy life (which I can confidently say will have much less to do with how much money you make or your occupation and much more with how healthy you are in mind, body and spirit)

  4. I didn’t even know you had a blog. Surprise! From a woman’s perspective, may I also state that it DRIVES ME FUCKING NUTS that if a guy is nice to you, or buys you something you weren’t expecting, that I owe him something in return. It is difficult to figure out who genuinely wants to get to know you, and who wants to get to know what you look like naked. I just opt out entirely anymore. Want to buy me a drink? Nope. Want to buy me dinner? Nope. Nope nope and nope.

  5. I’m pretty damn proud of my brother and his ability to be able to put out his past like that and talk about it in an honest and ultimately vulnerable way.

    But honestly, I’m just as impressed with the comments here because they are all thoughtful and create a dialogue to help figure out the things that fuck us up internally.

    Big ups, Doc Coyle and friends.

  6. It’s very refreshing to hear such candid thoughts from a male perspective. Here are the impressions of an englishgirl attempting to date in NYC. Being brought up in England and having lived in a few different countries before landing in NYC nearly two and a half years ago I find dating here a bizarre experience. Everyone seems to be multiple dating, which to me mirrors the overly consumeristic and throw away culture of, well most countries now, but particularly the states. Instead of trying to make things work, people are dropped as soon as they do something you don’t like. There is always someone else around the corner, or at the next bar so why bother talking things out when you can just move onto the next. I have unfortunately found myself becoming guilty of this mindset sometimes too.

    I was always told dating was hard in ny, but I have met and dated more men in my short time here than I have in the rest of my lifetime. It is too easy to date or get laid here but very hard to find something deeper and more loving. The physical side is expected to happen extremely quickly here and not that I want to lord my vagina over men but it is very disheartening when you feel sex is someones primary objective. What about my thoughts, feelings, creativity? It’s a huge cliche but there is a lot of truth in ‘women look for love and find sex, men look for sex and find love’. It reminds me of when I was on the subway in hong kong I saw an elderly Chinese lady wearing a t shirt with English writing on it. The poor lady must have had no idea what it meant but it said “my penis wants to buy you a drink”. A very amusing way to see some sobering words of truth.

    1. Holly, there are two points you brought up I find interesting. The first one is about the problem of too many options making it difficult to find a steady relationship in NYC. I’ve heard the same sentiment about LA as well. I don’t think this should surprise any of us. People that gravitate to NYC are there to compete for the best of everything. This of course would include dating. In that, it’s very common for men who have youth, money, and success on their side to play the field as much as possible. You only get to be young once. The key is knowing from the get go what the person you are going out with is looking for. Learn to know the difference between a player and a guy who is more of the relationship type. All we can all slide between these categories depending on where we are in our lives.

      The other point is about the issue with a casual approach to sex in NYC. I definitely understand why men constantly leading with sex bothers you. But please try to understand this point although will never truly understand no matter how much we explain it. MEN DON’T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER. (Sorry to yell). Don’t blame a dog for begging for food. Don’t blame a man for begging for sex or at least leading with it. As much we like to pretend we’re evolved, I can only speak for myself but it feels like a necessity. Just because you aren’t involved in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you should get all backed up. I definitely feel a NEED after a certain amount of time not having sex. Addressing a need and a want are different things. I can control it. I’m not humping trees or anything, but understand that the desire is palpably strong. Like a drug. It’s toppled a president. Just think about that for a second.

  7. Doc,

    I just stumbled across your blog and was reading some of them when this one peaked my curiosity!! I’ve saw a few “references” to sex on your FB and I always have to smile because you don’t beat around the bush like so many others!!

    This blog could be broke into a few different topics and like the others have said I am very impressed with your brutal honesty! There are very few people in our industry (I work in the music business as well) that have the balls to be honest!! You and I both have toured around the world and we know what it’s really like on the road and having a meaningful relationship that is built on honesty and managomy is very rare! Most of us have made mistakes and cheated while on the road and while it is very hurtful and degrading to a relationship one thing I find, atleast with myself, is that the release a person gets from sex is very physical and to be 100% honest while doing to deed my only thoughts are on the physical release! Just because I’m having sex with someone, of course I’m responsible and having safe sex, doesn’t mean that I don’t love the person I’m in a relationship with! Society puts an emphasis on sex equaling love and while yes we have evolved as humans we still have some of the primal instincts. As a woman its infuriating to see how many women use sex as a reward, like you mentioned above, and that is another trend that is being shoved down people’s throat by society! Look how many women have became “famous” because of a sex tape or whatever! Younger girls are seeing this as a way to achieve their dreams and are being taught that if you’ve got a good body and look descent you can use it instead of working hard for what you want!

    I know alot of women do not see things the way I do and I respect that but don’t look down on me because I am comfortable in my own skin to actually enjoy sex for what it is, a great physical sensation, and not what it can get me! Because if you focus on what it can get you then you’re missing out on some of the best times!!

    Of course you’re a good looking man and you have no problem getting laid, if that’s what you want, you’re tired of the endless games that alot of women play so you’ve taken yourself out of the equation!! There’s nothing wrong with that!!

    Much Respect,
    K

  8. Doc,

    I just stumbled across your blog and was reading some of them when this one peaked my curiosity!! I’ve saw a few “references” to sex on your FB and I always have to smile because you don’t beat around the bush like so many others!!

    This blog could be broke into a few different topics and like the others have said I am very impressed with your brutal honesty! There are very few people in our industry (I work in the music business as well) that have the balls to be honest!! You and I both have toured around the world and we know what it’s really like on the road and having a meaningful relationship that is built on honesty and managomy is very rare! Most of us have made mistakes and cheated while on the road and while it is very hurtful and degrading to a relationship one thing I find, atleast with myself, is that the release a person gets from sex is very physical and to be 100% honest while doing to deed my only thoughts are on the physical release! Just because I’m having sex with someone, of course I’m responsible and having safe sex, doesn’t mean that I don’t love the person I’m in a relationship with! Society puts an emphasis on sex equaling love and while yes we have evolved as humans we still have some of the primal instincts. As a woman its infuriating to see how many women use sex as a reward, like you mentioned above, and that is another trend that is being shoved down people’s throat by society! Look how many women have became “famous” because of a sex tape or whatever! Younger girls are seeing this as a way to achieve their dreams and are being taught that if you’ve got a good body and look descent you can use it instead of working hard for what you want!

    I know alot of women do not see things the way I do and I respect that but don’t look down on me because I am comfortable in my own skin to actually enjoy sex for what it is, a great physical sensation, and not what it can get me! Because if you focus on what it can get you then you’re missing out on some of the best times!!

    Of course you’re a good looking man and you have no problem getting laid, if that’s what you want, you’re tired of the endless games that alot of women play so you’ve taken yourself out of the equation!! There’s nothing wrong with that!!

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